The Rookie

This beautiful white and orange truck is now officially my new part-time office

I attended my orientation last Sunday and after signing pages and pages and pages of paperwork, I received my uniform and became an official Cary EMS Volunteer Rookie. Which basically means I will be a third rider on the ambulance until I am released as a second rider (where I officially get assigned a partner for a shift and carry full responsibility of everything that happens on the truck). It is expected that we will complete our rookie program in 9-12 months and we have a binder full of responsibilities we are expected to learn and have signed off by our training officers on a regular basis. I am responsible for completing (at a minimum) 5 twelve hour shifts a month and applying all my BLS skills during calls.  It all feels very surreal to me… like I am living someone else’s life and I might wake up one day and realize that it was all a dream – but it’s not and that just gets me ever more excited to start this part of my future.

Now that I was able to live and experience one of my biggest fears, I think I want to share it with the world.

Medicine has always been something I have loved. Helping people, the blood and gore, the lifestyle… everything about medicine has always been fascinating to me and for as long as I can remember I always wanted to do something in the medical field. When I decided to go the EMS route I was always very excited and for the most part knew I would LOVE it! I knew the blood and gore would not (for the most part) phase me and that I had the stomach for it. But one thing that terrified me was the emotional aspect of the job itself. How would I handle death? What if our patient dies in our hands (not because of anything we did), but be alive one second and died the next second.  So to try and experience all different types of calls I signed up to ride-a-long with EMS as an observer. To get a true feel for what they do, how they live and how to deal with day to day calls and trauma. In all my ride-a-longs I got a chance to experience what EMS deals with on about 95% of the calls. Minor allergic reaction, possible broken bone, nursing home transfer, shortness of breath…etc but what I really wanted to experience was trauma. Not because I am sick and twisted (well OK maybe a little), but because I wanted to KNOW that I could handle the stress and emotions that comes with that sort of call. I wanted to be 100% sure before deciding to dedicate the rest of my life to this career that I could handle it.

Well the day had arrived – I had decided to sign up for one last ride-a-long as an observer (pretty much hands off) before becoming a volunteer. I wanted to do it to help with my anxiety and just because I love spending the day with EMS. It was 7:30AM in the morning and we were only about 30 minutes in to our shift when a call came in. Motor Vehicle Accident is what the screen said. We jumped in the truck and made our way to the call. When we arrived I realized that the call was Motorcycle vs SUV and that the motorcycle patient was on the ground and Fire had already started CPR. This was going to be a scoop and run sort of call and that is exactly what we did. As soon as we were in the truck I took over breathing for the patient and we were on our way to the hospital. In the next 30+ minutes it took us to arrive at the hospital I switched between doing CPR and bagging the patient (we would switch duties about every 5-8 minutes) and when we arrived at the hospital, the Dr’s pronounced our patient and called the time of death.

We returned to our (now demolished) truck and started cleaning it out. That is when I noticed different coping mechanisms in effect. One of the EMT’s drenched her self in to cleaning and was ever so lightly humming a song under her breath. The other EMT went back in to the hospital and was talking to people and I, well I decided to do both. I did not have a trued and tried coping mechanism, so I decided to give both a try to see which (if any) would work for me. To no surprise to me, the quite route is what I preferred. I grabbed a bottle of cleaner and slapped on some gloves and got to cleaning. I had time to think about what happened, how I handled the call and also had time to grieve the loss of a life. But I also learned that I had passed my ultimate test.

I know that I will NEVER forget that call.  20 years from now I will remember the call down to every detail and will re-live the call over and over again, but I will also cherish it because it was THE call that helped me prove to myself that I could DO IT… and that through stress, grief, fear…etc I have what it takes to be there for my patients in the best and worst moments of their lives.

After having such a crappy start to my week, I decided yesterday day I am done… I am done being unhappy and depressed (of course I am not saying it wont ever happen again), but this time/today I WIN… I decided to think of things that make me happy and things that I should be grateful for and decided to make a list (if you have not figured it by now, I LOVE making lists)…

I am thankful for…

1- My amazing/funny/loving husband and bestfriend.

2- My four legged kids and their unconditional love.

3- My health.

4- My to do lists (yes, they drive me crazy at times but they also calm me down)

5- My cozy bed and the comfort it brings me.

6- My job and the security it offers me/us.

7- Education and the opportunity to learn.

8- to be given the opportunity to help others.

9- Being surrounded by caring and loving people.

10 – Air Conditioning.

11- Technology.

12…. and many many more!!!

I know I won’t always have AWESOME days and won’t always be HAPPY, but going forward I have decided that I will try and will try HARD. Depression sucks – it is such a lonely dark place to be in, I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. I also know that I do not have control over everything that happens in my life, but I want to make sure that for those things that I do have control over, keep me happy and healthy. I fought very hard to get out of my depression in the first place and having the feeling that things were going back to the dark hell they were was very scary. I don’t want to be that person, that wife, that friend, that co-worker, that daughter… I and my loved one’s deserve better, they deserve to have the bubbly, sometimes funny, loving, caring Poontater in their life.

So, I am going to make a promise to myself that I will try VERY VERY hard to push through feeling like I did earlier this week and try to keep my head up high above the dark sinking hole.

Hmmm where to start?

Here is a little time-line breakdown…

January –

Celebrated SRR’s 30^th birthday

Celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary

I started school

We moved in to our new townhome

Scratch N Sniff Productions is now in full gear

February -

Still in school 3 nights a week

Celebrated Valentine’s Day

Drove to Florida for the first GNCC race

SRR raced his first ever GNCC race

Cleaned out the old apartment and have been settling in at our new place

March –

Still in school 3 nights a week and it is starting to takes it toll on my mind and body

Did my first Ride-A-Long with Cary EMS

April –

Still in school 3 nights a week and feel like I can barely function

SRR broke his collar bone

Found a new therapist that I really like

SRR is scheduled for surgery

SRR had surgery

Hands on testing started and finished in 2 weeks (and I survived it)

May –

Took and passed my Final exam in class

Last day of class was May 5^th

Celebrated Mother’s Day in Virginia

State Exam is scheduled for May 21^st…..

So, it has been crazy to say the least... but it has also been very challenging in many ways. Trying to juggle a full time job, a household and full-time school at the same time is no easy task, but I have no regrets for giving it a try. Through out the past few months I feel like I have grown as a person and as a wife. I feel like I have been focusing on one thing and one thing only for the past few years and to realize that some things are completely out of my hands has been a hard pill to swallow, but has also made me realize that there are other things in life that I have full control over.

I feel like I lived my life for the past few years focusing on nothing but fertility/infertility issues we have gone through and I was sinking deeper and deeper in to depression and denial. See I always thought I had my life outlined and planned and things were/would workout just the way I had it drawn out... but when something like infertility hits you in the face and you realize one day that you have no control over it, it is very hard to move on and function.  You feel like all your plans and dreams have been ripped away from you. You grow angry towards others, you experience uncontrollable jealousy, things you enjoyed on a daily basis are no longer enough to satisfy you and that is when you find yourself in a deep black hole and feel the life being sucked out of you. That is where I was late last years... I felt like without a child, our lives would never be complete and I found my self isolated from everything and everyone.

Then I woke up one day and realized that I needed to be grateful for the AMAZING life I had/have. I have the most amazing/supportive/funny/loving husband anyone could ever ask for, I have two amazing four legged kids at home, I have a beautiful home to come home to everyday and I am surrounded by people who love me for who I am and nothing else. This is not to say that I have 100% come to terms with the idea that we may never have kids, but for now I am OK with it.  I have learned to be happy for others and move on.

Soooo... to bring it all back together...

I decided to do something for me, something that would make me proud of what I did and appreciate things in life unlike many  others are not able to. And I found the answer in going back to school to be an EMT, to help others at their worst time, to be there as a shoulder to cry on, to offer arms when a hug is needed and to be able to make a difference in someone's life every single day. It may not be the path I always saw my self going down, but it is the path I chose to do going forward and I cannot wait for this part of my journey to begin.

Trigger…

I think I might have found the trigger to my last little anxiety attack. I am not able to make any sense of it or even figure out the whys, but at least I have an idea of what my trigger might be.

The first time I had my attack (or as I like to call it, a visit from the elephant on my chest) was the night after I took my first test. It started in class and by the time I went home I felt like I was shaking, could not catch my breathe (even though my respiration’s were normal) and remember telling Rob that I just felt really weird and kind of freaked out. I went to bed that night and tried to get some sleep and the feelings continued for another week, until I finally made an appointment with my Dr to switch medications. See I had spent an entire week trying to figure out what triggered the feelings I had and could not put my

finger on it, until last night. I was fine while I was taking my test and all the way through, up until the waiting began to receive my test results. I felt a family of elephants make their way on to my chest and started getting the shaky/sweaty feeling all over again. I figured it would all go away as soon as I found that I did well and passed my test, but I was wrong (I did pass and got a pretty decent score), but the feelings never went away. My mind starting going a million miles an hour and all these questions starting popping up – which questions did I miss? Why didn’t I do better? Should I have studied more?…etc

When I got home last night, I googled different ways to deal with triggers that cause anxiety and most, if not all of them suggested thinking about the trigger it self and trying to figure out the underlying cause. So that is what I have been trying to do… trying to dig deep in to what part of a test, or what idea behind a test is inviting this family of elephant’s to come and visit me. I think it is going to be a work in progress, but for now I have managed to not let the feelings escalate in to an attack and I feel like I have some control over them.

I have had anxiety issues for a long time, but they have usually been social issues, so this aspect of anxiety is all knew to me and has been a little scary. I know it is something I can and will overcome, but for now it seems to be a struggle I am going to have to deal with on a daily basis.

If you deal or have dealt with anxiety issues of your own, I would love to hear some things you have done or do to help you get through them.

Anxiety…

Uhhh.. I feel like I am having an anxiety attack!

I started school about a week ago to get my EMT Certification once again. It is something I have always wanted to do and it is one thing I have always had the passion for. The first time I got certified, I chickened out and did nothing with my certification and eventually it expired. I don’t want to let that happen again, so I am back in school to get re-certified…but feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe.

See I am not and never have been comfortable in social situations. The thought of walking up to a stranger and talking to them like I have known them their entire life scares the life out of me. I know that is something I need to overcome, but for now it is all I can think of and it makes me feel like I am going to fail at it all.

After I got my first test score last night I felt like I was ran over by a bus… not because I failed, but I just felt like I could have and should have done better. Then my mind starting going a million miles an hour and I started thinking *What if I can’t do this* *what is I was never meant to do this* *Will I ever be able to overcome my social issues* and so on and so on… and here I am a day later and still feeling like crapola. I know this is something I must overcome in order to be good at what I do and to feel great about what I do, but it’s HARD. Changing who you have been for the past 28 years is going to take a lot of work, but I know it is something I MUST do in order to be who I want to be when I grow up.

I also need to stop being afraid to ask for help. I have an amazing husband that is always there for me and has/does support me through everything, but I feel like I should be able to solve all my problems on my own and I know that is not possible and eventually I will get overwhelmed and fail. I think it might also be time for me to get back in to therapy. Having a good therapist back in Austin, really helped me overcome a lot of my fears and helped me accomplish many of my goals.

Sooo now that I have everything written down I feel a little better… I know that I still have a lot on my plate and very hard work ahead of me, but deep down I know I can do this and have the passion for it.

Now if I could just remove the damn elephant off my chest and take a deep breath, I feel like I could move on.

C-H-A-N-G-E

Change has always been something I have avoided. Most of the time I like things the way they are, or even if I don’t like things the way they are my fear of change would take over and cripple me to move forward. My fear kept me at a job I disliked and hated more and more everyday. It kept me from going to school to get my degree. It kept me from taking the leap to sell the house. It kept me from 100% agreeing to move to NC… you get the idea! This was nothing new to me. I have always been afraid of change, but as an adult I found it to be more and more crippling and it started to effect the way I felt about myself and life in general.

But the thing is that, every time I take a chance and take the leap I am always shocked at the end results and the AWESOME feelings that come with it. Like letting my old boss know that I was leaving… as scared as I was, man it felt so good. Of course I had to deal with the freak out moments of not having a job and the fact that after being somewhere for 7 years I was now in the looking for a job field and interviews scare the crap out of me (we will talk about my social issues at another time). But in the end I DID IT! I am now at a job like a like and could possibly see a future within the company if I wanted to.

Now let’s talk about selling the house and moving to NC. That was about 4+ years in the making. I had many many deep issues related to selling the house and moving somewhere where I felt I would be very vulnerable because I did not know anyone. But after a lot work with therapy and support from SRR I was ready to take the jump and move. Once I felt comfortable in my own skin and I felt strong as a person the whole process came very easy. I mean leaving my friends and what I have known as life for 10+ years was very hard, but I was now looking forward to our new life and was truly excited (without the fear taking over) for the first time since the NC conversation first came up. I know that my SRR will always be there for me and he knows that I will always be there for him no matter what. And as scary and lonely the process could have been, we had each other (and of course Ollie & Sugar). Once we were ready things just fell in the place like it was all meant to be… and one thing after another, things worked them self’s out and September 2008 we hit the road. And to this day I am so happy that we made the change in our lives and moved. I love being closer to extended family and everything else about NC (the cost of living kind of sucks), but everything else makes up for it.

I am a much different person then I was just 2 years ago and it’s OK. Change is not always going to come easy and I know that, but the more I trust my self the easier each step will be.

Now for another huge change in my life – I need to submit my application for Nursing School.  

Come out – Come out where ever you are…

Hmmmm let’s see… Poontater has not been up to much lately, just sort of slacking on the blogging side of things. Nothing too exciting, but here is a little summary for ya:

• The foot is still healing. As of two days ago I started wearing shoes (well more like my Croc’s and slippers). Yup… you read that right. I have been wearing slippers to work and it’s awesome.
• We had snow and 86 degree’s in the same week and it was GREAT.
• I saw Watchmen and thought it completely SUCKED (in my opinion) and it was about 2.5 hours too long.
• SRR and I are going out for our first Meet-Up tomorrow night and I am very excited. We are meeting the Cary/Raleigh area 20’s/30’s couple for dinner and some drinks.
• I was in the slumps after being off my medication for almost 3 weeks and the world completely sucked. But I am back on it now and things are only half sucking.
• SRR and I are going to Jacksonville in 3 weeks to watch Supercross live and I cannot wait. I love having something so awesome to look forward to.
• I went in for my physical yesterday and apparently I am SUPER DUPER healthy. I have no early signs of diabetes, high blood pressure or heart problems (other then that my heart beats much slower then an average person, which I already knew). My cholesterol was perfect. This made me super happy; because diabetes and high blood pressure runs in my family history and being overweight I was a little concern. But this is GREAT news.  

I guess that’s pretty much it. See, told you it was nothing too exciting. Now that I am out of the slump’s I will be more active on poontater.com – stay tuned! 

Sugar says Hi

A WTF Moment!

Afraid…

It’s not like I have not known that we are moving in exactly 7 days 15 hours and 41 minutes… but for some reason today a sense of fear came over me. Fear of being and feeling alone. Maybe it’s because we have been spending a lot of time with our friends and soaking in everything or maybe because we really will be alone in a brand new state!

I started training my replacement yesterday and things were going very well. I was looking at the positive side of everything and feeling joy that I was finally leaving a job that I did not like. But when she was sitting at my desk and in my chair today a sense of sadness came over me. Maybe it’s just fear of change and the unknown, but whatever it is I am AFRAID. The thought of joining my last group next week, or having my last Happy Hour with my girl friends tomorrow just brings me to tears. 

On the flip side of things, I am very excited to start our new life, meet new friends, be closer to family and have an opportunity to follow my dreams. I guess what I am feeling is normal (so everyone tells me), but I have not felt this way in 13 years (that was when we moved to the States). I bottled up all the fear, tears and sadness and now feel like they are creeping back up. What I have known our lives to be for the past 10 years, will now be different. Yeah Yeah I know it all sounds dramatic to most of you, but this is my blog and these are my feelings (funny or not). 

I know that everything will be OK and we will look back a year from now and probably laugh at all my fears, but for now I feel AFRAID!

Ohhhh How I have Missed You…

My sweet sweet Wordpress. After switching to blogger for a few months I am super happy to be back. See a few months ago I blogged about every other week, so being on a semi working blog site was OK. But since I have started blogging a lot more  I started to realizw how un-friendly blogger was. I especially seemed to run in to a lot of problems on my mac and I think SRR was starting to get just a tiny little bit irritated with all my questions and complaints about using trying to use blogger. I will probably spend many many hours making sure everything copies back correctly and I have just the right theme, so don’t be surprised if Poontater looks different everytime you visit.

Much Love