The Rookie

This beautiful white and orange truck is now officially my new part-time office

I attended my orientation last Sunday and after signing pages and pages and pages of paperwork, I received my uniform and became an official Cary EMS Volunteer Rookie. Which basically means I will be a third rider on the ambulance until I am released as a second rider (where I officially get assigned a partner for a shift and carry full responsibility of everything that happens on the truck). It is expected that we will complete our rookie program in 9-12 months and we have a binder full of responsibilities we are expected to learn and have signed off by our training officers on a regular basis. I am responsible for completing (at a minimum) 5 twelve hour shifts a month and applying all my BLS skills during calls.  It all feels very surreal to me… like I am living someone else’s life and I might wake up one day and realize that it was all a dream – but it’s not and that just gets me ever more excited to start this part of my future.

Now that I was able to live and experience one of my biggest fears, I think I want to share it with the world.

Medicine has always been something I have loved. Helping people, the blood and gore, the lifestyle… everything about medicine has always been fascinating to me and for as long as I can remember I always wanted to do something in the medical field. When I decided to go the EMS route I was always very excited and for the most part knew I would LOVE it! I knew the blood and gore would not (for the most part) phase me and that I had the stomach for it. But one thing that terrified me was the emotional aspect of the job itself. How would I handle death? What if our patient dies in our hands (not because of anything we did), but be alive one second and died the next second.  So to try and experience all different types of calls I signed up to ride-a-long with EMS as an observer. To get a true feel for what they do, how they live and how to deal with day to day calls and trauma. In all my ride-a-longs I got a chance to experience what EMS deals with on about 95% of the calls. Minor allergic reaction, possible broken bone, nursing home transfer, shortness of breath…etc but what I really wanted to experience was trauma. Not because I am sick and twisted (well OK maybe a little), but because I wanted to KNOW that I could handle the stress and emotions that comes with that sort of call. I wanted to be 100% sure before deciding to dedicate the rest of my life to this career that I could handle it.

Well the day had arrived – I had decided to sign up for one last ride-a-long as an observer (pretty much hands off) before becoming a volunteer. I wanted to do it to help with my anxiety and just because I love spending the day with EMS. It was 7:30AM in the morning and we were only about 30 minutes in to our shift when a call came in. Motor Vehicle Accident is what the screen said. We jumped in the truck and made our way to the call. When we arrived I realized that the call was Motorcycle vs SUV and that the motorcycle patient was on the ground and Fire had already started CPR. This was going to be a scoop and run sort of call and that is exactly what we did. As soon as we were in the truck I took over breathing for the patient and we were on our way to the hospital. In the next 30+ minutes it took us to arrive at the hospital I switched between doing CPR and bagging the patient (we would switch duties about every 5-8 minutes) and when we arrived at the hospital, the Dr’s pronounced our patient and called the time of death.

We returned to our (now demolished) truck and started cleaning it out. That is when I noticed different coping mechanisms in effect. One of the EMT’s drenched her self in to cleaning and was ever so lightly humming a song under her breath. The other EMT went back in to the hospital and was talking to people and I, well I decided to do both. I did not have a trued and tried coping mechanism, so I decided to give both a try to see which (if any) would work for me. To no surprise to me, the quite route is what I preferred. I grabbed a bottle of cleaner and slapped on some gloves and got to cleaning. I had time to think about what happened, how I handled the call and also had time to grieve the loss of a life. But I also learned that I had passed my ultimate test.

I know that I will NEVER forget that call.  20 years from now I will remember the call down to every detail and will re-live the call over and over again, but I will also cherish it because it was THE call that helped me prove to myself that I could DO IT… and that through stress, grief, fear…etc I have what it takes to be there for my patients in the best and worst moments of their lives.

Feeling down… down… down…

I feel like I have been down in the gutters for the past few days and have not been able to figure out why. I had a great time riding with Cary EMS on Sunday and ever since then I have found it very hard to put a smile on my face… until this morning! When a co-worker asked me what’s wrong and I told her I was not sure… and she jokingly said “it’s this place” and it hit me like a ton of bricks. She is right! Don’t get me wrong, I like my job for the most part (well not too much the job it self, but the people I work with). But having tasted something else, a job that makes a difference in someone’s life, a job that makes me feel satisfied and proud, makes coming to this job that much harder. I always tried to look at my job as more then just a paycheck, but lately that is all it feels like.

I have submitted my application to one EMS unit and have been trying to gather up all the paperwork I need for the other station. I know it takes time for them to review everything and the process it self can be a little drawn out, but I have never really been the patient kind of gal and I know that refreshing my email account 10 times a day is not going to make them reply to me any sooner. At least I was able to schedule another ride-a-long with my favorite Paramedic for the 24^th, so this way I have something to look forward to.

I hate feeling like this. I know it affects my family and everyone else around me and I hate that. I know that I need to push through these crappy feelings and come out the other end stronger… but I also know that it’s not easy. It’s not like waking up the next day and everything feeling all better with puppies and rainbows. I know I am the only one who can make things better and I have the tools I need to accomplish my final goal

So… I will think happy thoughts and try to come up with a game plan to make things better.



What does it mean to be a Paramedic?

WOW – just read this article from The Legal Guardian and it warmed my heart and scared the crap out of at the same time.  It got me thinking… what kind of EMT will I be and what it REALLY means to hold that license in your hands.

I knew going in to this profession that I would have good days and bad days, but never really thought about the fact that I will be the one there on people’s worse days…  Will I want me to arrive to a 911 call if the emergency was for my family? Would I trust me as a Paramedic to do their best for my loved one? Do I fully understand that holding my EMT license means that I will be on duty 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 365 days a year? And my answer is YES!

I have never felt more at home and knew I belonged in a profession like I do when I put on my uniform and jump in the back of that ambulance. I cannot wait to start being able to make a change in people’s lives and be the one they depend on at their worst. Volunteering cannot get here soon enough…