Hmmm where to start?

Here is a little time-line breakdown…

January –

Celebrated SRR’s 30^th birthday

Celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary

I started school

We moved in to our new townhome

Scratch N Sniff Productions is now in full gear

February -

Still in school 3 nights a week

Celebrated Valentine’s Day

Drove to Florida for the first GNCC race

SRR raced his first ever GNCC race

Cleaned out the old apartment and have been settling in at our new place

March –

Still in school 3 nights a week and it is starting to takes it toll on my mind and body

Did my first Ride-A-Long with Cary EMS

April –

Still in school 3 nights a week and feel like I can barely function

SRR broke his collar bone

Found a new therapist that I really like

SRR is scheduled for surgery

SRR had surgery

Hands on testing started and finished in 2 weeks (and I survived it)

May –

Took and passed my Final exam in class

Last day of class was May 5^th

Celebrated Mother’s Day in Virginia

State Exam is scheduled for May 21^st…..

So, it has been crazy to say the least... but it has also been very challenging in many ways. Trying to juggle a full time job, a household and full-time school at the same time is no easy task, but I have no regrets for giving it a try. Through out the past few months I feel like I have grown as a person and as a wife. I feel like I have been focusing on one thing and one thing only for the past few years and to realize that some things are completely out of my hands has been a hard pill to swallow, but has also made me realize that there are other things in life that I have full control over.

I feel like I lived my life for the past few years focusing on nothing but fertility/infertility issues we have gone through and I was sinking deeper and deeper in to depression and denial. See I always thought I had my life outlined and planned and things were/would workout just the way I had it drawn out... but when something like infertility hits you in the face and you realize one day that you have no control over it, it is very hard to move on and function.  You feel like all your plans and dreams have been ripped away from you. You grow angry towards others, you experience uncontrollable jealousy, things you enjoyed on a daily basis are no longer enough to satisfy you and that is when you find yourself in a deep black hole and feel the life being sucked out of you. That is where I was late last years... I felt like without a child, our lives would never be complete and I found my self isolated from everything and everyone.

Then I woke up one day and realized that I needed to be grateful for the AMAZING life I had/have. I have the most amazing/supportive/funny/loving husband anyone could ever ask for, I have two amazing four legged kids at home, I have a beautiful home to come home to everyday and I am surrounded by people who love me for who I am and nothing else. This is not to say that I have 100% come to terms with the idea that we may never have kids, but for now I am OK with it.  I have learned to be happy for others and move on.

Soooo... to bring it all back together...

I decided to do something for me, something that would make me proud of what I did and appreciate things in life unlike many  others are not able to. And I found the answer in going back to school to be an EMT, to help others at their worst time, to be there as a shoulder to cry on, to offer arms when a hug is needed and to be able to make a difference in someone's life every single day. It may not be the path I always saw my self going down, but it is the path I chose to do going forward and I cannot wait for this part of my journey to begin.

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