Anxiety…
Uhhh.. I feel like I am having an anxiety attack!
I started school about a week ago to get my EMT Certification once again. It is something I have always wanted to do and it is one thing I have always had the passion for. The first time I got certified, I chickened out and did nothing with my certification and eventually it expired. I don’t want to let that happen again, so I am back in school to get re-certified…but feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe.
See I am not and never have been comfortable in social situations. The thought of walking up to a stranger and talking to them like I have known them their entire life scares the life out of me. I know that is something I need to overcome, but for now it is all I can think of and it makes me feel like I am going to fail at it all.
After I got my first test score last night I felt like I was ran over by a bus… not because I failed, but I just felt like I could have and should have done better. Then my mind starting going a million miles an hour and I started thinking *What if I can’t do this* *what is I was never meant to do this* *Will I ever be able to overcome my social issues* and so on and so on… and here I am a day later and still feeling like crapola. I know this is something I must overcome in order to be good at what I do and to feel great about what I do, but it’s HARD. Changing who you have been for the past 28 years is going to take a lot of work, but I know it is something I MUST do in order to be who I want to be when I grow up.
I also need to stop being afraid to ask for help. I have an amazing husband that is always there for me and has/does support me through everything, but I feel like I should be able to solve all my problems on my own and I know that is not possible and eventually I will get overwhelmed and fail. I think it might also be time for me to get back in to therapy. Having a good therapist back in Austin, really helped me overcome a lot of my fears and helped me accomplish many of my goals.
Sooo now that I have everything written down I feel a little better… I know that I still have a lot on my plate and very hard work ahead of me, but deep down I know I can do this and have the passion for it.
Now if I could just remove the damn elephant off my chest and take a deep breath, I feel like I could move on.
January 23rd, 2010 at 7:16 pm
You are so brave for persuing your dream… especially when you pair it with the fact that, in order to accomplish your dream, you have to overcome a major fear. Facing our fears is NEVER easy, no matter who you are or where you’ve been. I’ve “known” you for a while through the Nest and I really feel that you will succeed at this! You’ve always seemed so strong in the face of everything life has thrown at you! I totally love therapy, by the way. I had a great therapist in FL that helped me control my anxiety and it worked wonders for me. Solving your problems on your own is always nice, but the great thing about husbands (and friends and family) are that they should be able to carry *some* of your burden for you. It’s like going to the airport on your own. You can’t carry ALL your baggage… so your friends usually come with you to help you with it, and to see you on your way once they’re done helping. Same concept, I think
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I really hope you persue your dream and finish your schooling. I think you’d make a GREAT EMT!