Anxiety…

Uhhh.. I feel like I am having an anxiety attack!

I started school about a week ago to get my EMT Certification once again. It is something I have always wanted to do and it is one thing I have always had the passion for. The first time I got certified, I chickened out and did nothing with my certification and eventually it expired. I don’t want to let that happen again, so I am back in school to get re-certified…but feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe.

See I am not and never have been comfortable in social situations. The thought of walking up to a stranger and talking to them like I have known them their entire life scares the life out of me. I know that is something I need to overcome, but for now it is all I can think of and it makes me feel like I am going to fail at it all.

After I got my first test score last night I felt like I was ran over by a bus… not because I failed, but I just felt like I could have and should have done better. Then my mind starting going a million miles an hour and I started thinking *What if I can’t do this* *what is I was never meant to do this* *Will I ever be able to overcome my social issues* and so on and so on… and here I am a day later and still feeling like crapola. I know this is something I must overcome in order to be good at what I do and to feel great about what I do, but it’s HARD. Changing who you have been for the past 28 years is going to take a lot of work, but I know it is something I MUST do in order to be who I want to be when I grow up.

I also need to stop being afraid to ask for help. I have an amazing husband that is always there for me and has/does support me through everything, but I feel like I should be able to solve all my problems on my own and I know that is not possible and eventually I will get overwhelmed and fail. I think it might also be time for me to get back in to therapy. Having a good therapist back in Austin, really helped me overcome a lot of my fears and helped me accomplish many of my goals.

Sooo now that I have everything written down I feel a little better… I know that I still have a lot on my plate and very hard work ahead of me, but deep down I know I can do this and have the passion for it.

Now if I could just remove the damn elephant off my chest and take a deep breath, I feel like I could move on.

Happy Holidays

Wish I could say I was sad to see 2009 end, but honestly it has been a crazy year for me and most of it was not for the good. I hope 2010 will bring a lot of health and happiness to my family, friends and everyone else.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Hanukkah…etc

Mutlu Bayramlar!    Buone Feste!  Forhe Feiertage!     Hau’oli Lanui!   Jie Ri Yu Kuai!

Grumpy

I have noticed that since being off my medication (thanks to my Grand Mal Seizure caused by Wellbutrin) I have been going down hill for a while. It’s not even about not trying to be positive or happy, it’s more then that and it’s very hard to explain. Things in life are good – I am healthy, love my job, I am going back to school in January, I have the bestest husband in the world whom I love more then anything, I am back on my dirt bike… but still I cannot manage to wake up happy in the morning, or not snap at things/stuff. I hate feeling this way and it’s time for it to STOP!

While typing out this post (which I started about 4 hours ago), I managed to squeeze in to see a Dr on Friday. I have an appointment with her on Friday morning. Let’s hope she can help.

21+ questions

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Nope.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? About two weeks ago. I was in the hospital room by myself and just broke down. 
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No, not at all.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Brown Sugar Ham.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes. Sugar the dog and Ollie the cat.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS
   WITH YOU? Of course!
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? I try.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Plain Corn Flakes with Vanilla Soy Milk.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE them off? No. But I do untie them when I put them back on. 
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Eh! I do not think I am a weakling but I would not say I am strong either.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Pretty much any coffee flavored ice cream will do.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?Their clothing.
15. RED OR PINK? Pink.
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?That I can be too sensetive at times.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My cat lenny.
18. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black flip flops.
19. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Chex Mix.
20. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The person next to me chit chatting on their phone.
21. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? White.
22. FAVORITE SMELLS? Sugar’s paws.
23. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Admission counselor from Wake Tech College. 
24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Boxing
25. Hair Color? brown
26. EYE COLOR? hazel
27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No.
28. FAVORITE FOOD? Turkish 
29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy Endings.
30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? XGames in 3D
31. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? light blue
32. HUGS OR KISSES? both
33. FAVORITE DESSERT? anything chocolate 
34. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Stiff
35. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? It’s purple jel with nothing on it
36. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Man vs Food 
37. FAVORITE SOUND? Silence
38. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? TheBeatles
39. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Depends on where home is
40. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? no
41. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Walnut Creek, California

Side Effect

This is the end result of a grand mal seizure caused by the side effect of one of the anti-depressants I have been on. I smacked my head on the side of my desk before hitting the ground. I will write a more detailed post in the near future, but for now this is what I ended up with.

Goal# 73 – Personal

Of course I can’t tell you what the goal was (you know it being personal and all), but I get to mark this goal off my list. Woohooo and surprisingly I did not mind it as much as I thought I might (:

M-I-A

Sorry I went missing for a while. I have been in a deep dark hole for the past few months and have been trying to bounce back on my feet.

Will be back shortly.

A

Let the count down begin

Hellllp Meeeee

My allergies in Austin were KILLER, but after living there for 12 years my body had adjustes to them… well now I must suffer through NC allergies and I am dying here. Do you think I will get weird looks if I started wearing one of these around?

I am sure I am driving people around me crazy with sneezing 20 times and hour and blowing my nose like it is going out of style… but damn nothing else helps.

Ouuuuuccccchhhhh

There was no better title for this post.

I have been having major stomach problems for the past few years, it was so bad at one point that I had SRR take me to the ER. I was diagnosed with Gastroparesis and I never really thought about it again until about a month ago. So finally after suffering for 3 weeks SRR convinced me to make a GI Dr appointment and I got to meet her last week. She asked me a million questions and decided that she should do an Upper Endoscopy and also check out my intestines. Last Thursday was my upper Endoscopy and other then the horrible burning sensation when the sleep medication went in and the horrible sore throat I had after, it was a breeze.

The first 20

Monday would be the other procedure, so I was told to swallow 20 horse size pills  in 1 hour and 12 more the 30 minutes the next day. We show up at the Dr’s office, I get checked in and change in to my sexy blue gown and wait for the nurses to come in to start an IV. This lovely nurse comes in and pokes a hole in my arm and it fails. She calls in an another Nurse to give it a try and we think we might have success, until she decided to wiggle the damn needle around so much that it breaks the vein and the IV stops dripping. So now they call the Anesthesiologist in to give it a try. He tried once, twice, third time, fourth time, fifth time and yup sixth time and finally manages to start an IV. At this point I cannot stop the tears from rolling down my face and it takes everything in me to hold my self back from sucker punching him right on the nose. He does not apologize once! He just grabs all the crap off the bed and walks out. At this point their is blood everywhere, I have 3 nurses putting pressure on the other hole’s he opened up. I have one nurse rubbing my back telling me to take deep breaths and that it was over… all I wanted to do was hug SRR and ask him to take me home. I was hungry, tired, in pain and at this point very light headed.

They finally wheel me in to the OR and hook me up to different monitors and give me the happy drugs (but this time I was desperate for them), so I did not feel very happy getting it. Thirty to forty five minutes later I get woken up by the nurse and the worse is over. My Dr comes in and gives us an update and says everything is A OK! She is followed my the douche bag Dr. He asks me how I am doing and I am still wanting to jump at his throat, but tell him I am OK , he asks me a few more questions then walks away. Now I just need to wake up enough to have something to drink, get dressed and be sent on my marry way home.

That was the third IV I have ever had (I have had all three this year) and my GOD I hope I do not need one for a very very very very long time. That was a horrible experience and I will be writting a nice letter to the Dr’s office suggesting some lessons in bed side manner to that one Dr.

Number 1 & 2

Number 3

Number 4 & 5

Number 6

Number 7

Annnnd Number 8 - where the IV ended up

These are the 8 from yesterday. These do  not include the one spot I received the IV on Thursday and the spot where they drew blood from on Wednesday. Ohhh and to make things better, I have an OB appointment tomorrow and I know for sure they are going to want to draw blood for routine blood work. This just suckssss major dunky balllzzzz!

Sooo how has your week been going?