The Rookie

This beautiful white and orange truck is now officially my new part-time office

I attended my orientation last Sunday and after signing pages and pages and pages of paperwork, I received my uniform and became an official Cary EMS Volunteer Rookie. Which basically means I will be a third rider on the ambulance until I am released as a second rider (where I officially get assigned a partner for a shift and carry full responsibility of everything that happens on the truck). It is expected that we will complete our rookie program in 9-12 months and we have a binder full of responsibilities we are expected to learn and have signed off by our training officers on a regular basis. I am responsible for completing (at a minimum) 5 twelve hour shifts a month and applying all my BLS skills during calls.  It all feels very surreal to me… like I am living someone else’s life and I might wake up one day and realize that it was all a dream – but it’s not and that just gets me ever more excited to start this part of my future.

Now that I was able to live and experience one of my biggest fears, I think I want to share it with the world.

Medicine has always been something I have loved. Helping people, the blood and gore, the lifestyle… everything about medicine has always been fascinating to me and for as long as I can remember I always wanted to do something in the medical field. When I decided to go the EMS route I was always very excited and for the most part knew I would LOVE it! I knew the blood and gore would not (for the most part) phase me and that I had the stomach for it. But one thing that terrified me was the emotional aspect of the job itself. How would I handle death? What if our patient dies in our hands (not because of anything we did), but be alive one second and died the next second.  So to try and experience all different types of calls I signed up to ride-a-long with EMS as an observer. To get a true feel for what they do, how they live and how to deal with day to day calls and trauma. In all my ride-a-longs I got a chance to experience what EMS deals with on about 95% of the calls. Minor allergic reaction, possible broken bone, nursing home transfer, shortness of breath…etc but what I really wanted to experience was trauma. Not because I am sick and twisted (well OK maybe a little), but because I wanted to KNOW that I could handle the stress and emotions that comes with that sort of call. I wanted to be 100% sure before deciding to dedicate the rest of my life to this career that I could handle it.

Well the day had arrived – I had decided to sign up for one last ride-a-long as an observer (pretty much hands off) before becoming a volunteer. I wanted to do it to help with my anxiety and just because I love spending the day with EMS. It was 7:30AM in the morning and we were only about 30 minutes in to our shift when a call came in. Motor Vehicle Accident is what the screen said. We jumped in the truck and made our way to the call. When we arrived I realized that the call was Motorcycle vs SUV and that the motorcycle patient was on the ground and Fire had already started CPR. This was going to be a scoop and run sort of call and that is exactly what we did. As soon as we were in the truck I took over breathing for the patient and we were on our way to the hospital. In the next 30+ minutes it took us to arrive at the hospital I switched between doing CPR and bagging the patient (we would switch duties about every 5-8 minutes) and when we arrived at the hospital, the Dr’s pronounced our patient and called the time of death.

We returned to our (now demolished) truck and started cleaning it out. That is when I noticed different coping mechanisms in effect. One of the EMT’s drenched her self in to cleaning and was ever so lightly humming a song under her breath. The other EMT went back in to the hospital and was talking to people and I, well I decided to do both. I did not have a trued and tried coping mechanism, so I decided to give both a try to see which (if any) would work for me. To no surprise to me, the quite route is what I preferred. I grabbed a bottle of cleaner and slapped on some gloves and got to cleaning. I had time to think about what happened, how I handled the call and also had time to grieve the loss of a life. But I also learned that I had passed my ultimate test.

I know that I will NEVER forget that call.  20 years from now I will remember the call down to every detail and will re-live the call over and over again, but I will also cherish it because it was THE call that helped me prove to myself that I could DO IT… and that through stress, grief, fear…etc I have what it takes to be there for my patients in the best and worst moments of their lives.

HOPE

I had given up hope that I could ever TRULY be happy to hear another pregnancy announcement. It’s not that I was not happy for the couple who were now expecting, who would get to experience the joy of parenthood, who would get to watch their little child grow in to an adult and be there to hold their hand through life’s milestones. It was that it hurt too much… to imagine that we may never get to experience any of those joys, that we might never get to experience holding our baby, watching them take their first steps, hear their first words.

I also know that most people will never be able to understand how I feel/or have felt. I have been looked as a selfish person for not being able to bathe in other’s happiness about their pregnancies. But I also have come to understand that those same people will never understand what it feels like to have wanted something so bad (for something that comes SO easily for many people) and to realize that it may never happen. To have had it twice and to have planned your entire future in a short few weeks and to have it taken away from you and have your heart ripped apart.

But for the first time in 4 years it didn’t hurt as bad – I did not want to cry. I’m actually TRULY 100% happy for my friends’ pregnancy announcement. I know they have wanted this pregnancy more then anything and have struggled for the past two years and to know that they will get experience all the joys of parenthood.

So I mark today as a start of a new ME!

I still dream that the day may come… the day I can tell SRR he is going to be a dad (to more then just our furry kids) and watch him be the AWESOME Dad that I know he will be.

But for now… I will try to celebrate the new me and know that the way I feel is OK and that I do not need to justify my feelings to anyone.

YAY for the new Poontater!!!

How can I not be grateful?

This is what I get to wake up to every morning… what I get to come home to every afternoon and what I get to snuggle with every evening!

After having such a crappy start to my week, I decided yesterday day I am done… I am done being unhappy and depressed (of course I am not saying it wont ever happen again), but this time/today I WIN… I decided to think of things that make me happy and things that I should be grateful for and decided to make a list (if you have not figured it by now, I LOVE making lists)…

I am thankful for…

1- My amazing/funny/loving husband and bestfriend.

2- My four legged kids and their unconditional love.

3- My health.

4- My to do lists (yes, they drive me crazy at times but they also calm me down)

5- My cozy bed and the comfort it brings me.

6- My job and the security it offers me/us.

7- Education and the opportunity to learn.

8- to be given the opportunity to help others.

9- Being surrounded by caring and loving people.

10 – Air Conditioning.

11- Technology.

12…. and many many more!!!

I know I won’t always have AWESOME days and won’t always be HAPPY, but going forward I have decided that I will try and will try HARD. Depression sucks – it is such a lonely dark place to be in, I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. I also know that I do not have control over everything that happens in my life, but I want to make sure that for those things that I do have control over, keep me happy and healthy. I fought very hard to get out of my depression in the first place and having the feeling that things were going back to the dark hell they were was very scary. I don’t want to be that person, that wife, that friend, that co-worker, that daughter… I and my loved one’s deserve better, they deserve to have the bubbly, sometimes funny, loving, caring Poontater in their life.

So, I am going to make a promise to myself that I will try VERY VERY hard to push through feeling like I did earlier this week and try to keep my head up high above the dark sinking hole.

Feeling down… down… down…

I feel like I have been down in the gutters for the past few days and have not been able to figure out why. I had a great time riding with Cary EMS on Sunday and ever since then I have found it very hard to put a smile on my face… until this morning! When a co-worker asked me what’s wrong and I told her I was not sure… and she jokingly said “it’s this place” and it hit me like a ton of bricks. She is right! Don’t get me wrong, I like my job for the most part (well not too much the job it self, but the people I work with). But having tasted something else, a job that makes a difference in someone’s life, a job that makes me feel satisfied and proud, makes coming to this job that much harder. I always tried to look at my job as more then just a paycheck, but lately that is all it feels like.

I have submitted my application to one EMS unit and have been trying to gather up all the paperwork I need for the other station. I know it takes time for them to review everything and the process it self can be a little drawn out, but I have never really been the patient kind of gal and I know that refreshing my email account 10 times a day is not going to make them reply to me any sooner. At least I was able to schedule another ride-a-long with my favorite Paramedic for the 24^th, so this way I have something to look forward to.

I hate feeling like this. I know it affects my family and everyone else around me and I hate that. I know that I need to push through these crappy feelings and come out the other end stronger… but I also know that it’s not easy. It’s not like waking up the next day and everything feeling all better with puppies and rainbows. I know I am the only one who can make things better and I have the tools I need to accomplish my final goal

So… I will think happy thoughts and try to come up with a game plan to make things better.



What does it mean to be a Paramedic?

WOW – just read this article from The Legal Guardian and it warmed my heart and scared the crap out of at the same time.  It got me thinking… what kind of EMT will I be and what it REALLY means to hold that license in your hands.

I knew going in to this profession that I would have good days and bad days, but never really thought about the fact that I will be the one there on people’s worse days…  Will I want me to arrive to a 911 call if the emergency was for my family? Would I trust me as a Paramedic to do their best for my loved one? Do I fully understand that holding my EMT license means that I will be on duty 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 365 days a year? And my answer is YES!

I have never felt more at home and knew I belonged in a profession like I do when I put on my uniform and jump in the back of that ambulance. I cannot wait to start being able to make a change in people’s lives and be the one they depend on at their worst. Volunteering cannot get here soon enough…

Let the games begin!

Well, things are underway to get my membership in order with Parkwood Volunteer Fire Department in Durham County.

I had an interview with one of the EMS/Fire Fighters last Sunday and we talked for about an hour and he gave me a quick tour of the station. This was just the tip of the iceberg when it comes down to the process of becoming a member with PVFD. The initial interview is very laid back and casual. It was set up as an opportunity for them to explain what would be expected of us (if we were to chose to follow through and work towards becoming an EMT with them) and also an opportunity to have some of our questions answered. Time commitment was something I heard over and over and over again and even though it was something I knew about, having them stress it really stuck with me. I mean, on paper I will be working 40+ hours a week, Volunteering somewhere between 40-60 hours a month and I was thinking about going back to school in the Fall and still trying to maintain a sane life and household. The more and more I thought about it, school in the fall seemed like a bad idea and would stretch me super thin. So the plan for now is to complete all necessary paperwork (and there is a lot of it) and get my membership underway and go from there.

I have about 2 months to get together the following;

-Completed application

-NC Driving Record

-TX Driving Record (they make this a pain the a$$ if you no longer have your TX license in hand)

-Nationwide Criminal Background Check (which is much harder to obtain then one would think)

-Medical Clearance Form

-Vaccinations or proof of TB, Hep B, Chickenpox, Measles, Mumps, Rubella (MMR), Tetanus, Influenza…

-3 References

-Copy of DL and State License

Once you have all that in place, they review your paperwork and you are called in for a second interview. This time it is formal and you meet with the chief. Once the interview is over and they accept you in to the program, the fun starts….

-         4 Hands-on scenario testing

-         4 weeks of Rookie Program (where you spend all hours learning about the inside and outside of the truck (ambulance) and the station. No ride hours.

-         (after the 4 weeks) 3-6 months of continuation of Rookie Program as a third rider.

-         6 months from Rookie release to pass your driving class and earn your license to drive to ambulance

-         Once all above is done, you are released as a member and can ride as the second rider on the ambulance and get assigned a partner.

It feels like a long process (and it really is), but I am grateful for it. I think it will ease me in to the process and also give me a chance to meet everyone (my future second family). Also, I was able to convince my friend/classmate to join with me, so I get to have someone with me that I know on the first day of class.

I may have cried a little…

Friday May 21^st – I had an eye Dr appointment to give contact lenses another try. After spending 2.5 hours there, we finally found a pair that seemed to work. After my appointment I ran to get a manicure (did not have enough time for a mani/pedi combo), but wanted to give my self a little time to relax either way. After that I ran home and jumped in the shower in order to be able to swing by and pick up my friends Christine, Shawn and Mike. We were well on our way to Fayetteville, NC around 3PM and we had about an hour and a half drive to make it to Fayetteville Community College, where our State Exam was scheduled to take place. We arrived by 4:30’ish and found where we needed to be. Decided we were starving and headed to Huske Hardware House (the only place in Fayetteville I knew) to grab a bite to eat. We were done around 5:20 and drove back to the school to wait for them to open up the doors and let us all in (there were about 100+ people waiting in line to get in). We decided to chill in the car with A/C and went over some study questions to freshen up our memory before taking the plunge.

Around 6:55 we were all seated in our seats and got done listening to all the rules…etc and were told we had two hours to complete our test and it was time to START. I remember opening up the booklet and reading the first question and started shaking. The questions were written in a very different format then I was used to and it scared the crap out me. I decided to skip the first 3 questions (if I can’t answer a question right after reading it, I skip it and come back to it later when I can spend more time reading it and letting it process) and by question 4 and 5 I was getting a little more accustomed to the format the questions were in and went from there. By the time I read question 100 I had written down 31 numbers down on my scrap paper to go visit at a later time and this scared me and made me start doubting my self. Some of them I was able to answer pretty quickly, but about 15 of them were a total guess (an educated guess), but a guess nonetheless. I was done with the test around 8:30 and headed outside to join my classmates that were already done. Around 8:50 we were all done and decided it was time to grab another bite and a few of us wanted to grab a beer or two or three before heading back home. We decided to go back to Huske Hardware House and hung out there till around 10PM before we headed home. I made my way around dropping off everyone and arrived home around 12:15AM and was pooped. I jumped in the shower and spent about 20 minutes trying to take out my damn contacts, when SRR finally came to my rescue and removed in 1.2 seconds. Of course by then all the damage was done and my eyes looked like I took a beating from a cat and were scratched like hell… but oh well… it was time for bed!

May 22^nd and 23^rd (the weekend) – To my surprise I was actually able to get some sleep and was woken up around 9:30AM by kisses from SRR and was asked if I would like to join him in running some errands before he headed to PA for the GNCC race. We got an oil change for his truck, grabbed a bite to eat and stopped at Dick’s to grab him a new sleeping bag. We tried to give our selves enough time to be able to jump in the pool before he head to hit the road to Greensboro to meet Charkie.

We spent about an hour in the pool acting like fool’s and it was time for him to hit the road. After SRR left, I decided to go out shopping to kill some time. Made a stop at Old Navy and picked up a few things and also made a quick stop at the pet store to grab Ollie boy some more food. The rest of the evening was spent lounging on the couch and snuggling up with my thunderstorm terrified doggie. I finally managed to fall a sleep around 2AM and was up around noon on Sunday. As soon as I opened my eyes I logged on to see if the results of the test were posted – and of course, what State Agency works on a weekend, let alone a Sunday? I spent the rest of the day trying to keep my self occupied and my mind off the test results. To my surprise I did pretty darn good. I hit the bed around 11PM.

May 24^th – I knew there was a chance the grades could be posted on Tuesday the 25^th or possibly even Wednesday the 26^th, but that did not stop me from logging on about a million times on Monday to see if they were posted. Every time I logged on I felt my heart skip a beat… and every time I checked they were not there (yeah yeah I know, I should probably learn to be a little more patient). So around 2:00PM I left work to head to my dentist for my regular check up when my phone rang, it was my friend/classmate Christine. She was calling me to let me know that the grades were now POSTED. I could not get her off the phone quick enough to be able to log on to see if I had passed or failed.

Of course it felt like my phone only had one bar and it took 3 hours to load (it was probably more like 30 seconds), but when your heart is skipping beats from nerves, it feels like FOREVER. Any who, I managed to log on and took a BIG DEEP BREATH before scrolling down to see the results, and there it was Score 90 / Status Passed. I let out one of the loudest screams I ever let out and I am sure the car next to me thought I had seen a ghost or something… but I did not care. I called a few of my classmates to let them know the grades were posted and made my way to the dentist with a HUGE grin on my face. I wanted to tell the world and share my happiness with everyone… but I managed to sit there quietly (with still a huge grin on my face) for the next 45 minutes, until I was done and I called my mom to let her know that from now on I would like to be called *NC State Certified EMT Poontater*. Pretty sure she was as happy as I was, because she let out a loud scream just like I had.

I made my way home (I was not about to go back to work after getting such AWESOME news) and found SRR sound a sleep in the bed. I managed to jump on the bed as hard as I could and greeted him with a huge grin and told him that it was official and that I was now a Certified EMT-B… We ended up celebrating by seeing MacGruber and grabbing yummy dinner at P.F. Chang’s.

Now to the point where I may or may not have cried a little… I was taking a nice long bath that night and it all sunk in. Everything I had worked for so hard in the past few months, all the stress and exhaustion I had gone through, everything I put my mind and body through had paid off. I had officially passed my test and the reality hit me and I might have cried a little. They were 100% happy tears. I was very proud of myself (which was something I had not felt in myself in a very long time). I had gone after something I had dreamt for so long, worked very hard to achieve it and it was now REAL. After feeling defeat after defeat for years while dealing with infertility all my self esteem and hope was gone. I felt like a failure and was scared that I may never be able to feel PROUD again. But the feeling that I felt on Monday night was priceless. I was proud of my self and my determination and it felt GREAT!

Hmmm where to start?

Here is a little time-line breakdown…

January –

Celebrated SRR’s 30^th birthday

Celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary

I started school

We moved in to our new townhome

Scratch N Sniff Productions is now in full gear

February -

Still in school 3 nights a week

Celebrated Valentine’s Day

Drove to Florida for the first GNCC race

SRR raced his first ever GNCC race

Cleaned out the old apartment and have been settling in at our new place

March –

Still in school 3 nights a week and it is starting to takes it toll on my mind and body

Did my first Ride-A-Long with Cary EMS

April –

Still in school 3 nights a week and feel like I can barely function

SRR broke his collar bone

Found a new therapist that I really like

SRR is scheduled for surgery

SRR had surgery

Hands on testing started and finished in 2 weeks (and I survived it)

May –

Took and passed my Final exam in class

Last day of class was May 5^th

Celebrated Mother’s Day in Virginia

State Exam is scheduled for May 21^st…..

So, it has been crazy to say the least... but it has also been very challenging in many ways. Trying to juggle a full time job, a household and full-time school at the same time is no easy task, but I have no regrets for giving it a try. Through out the past few months I feel like I have grown as a person and as a wife. I feel like I have been focusing on one thing and one thing only for the past few years and to realize that some things are completely out of my hands has been a hard pill to swallow, but has also made me realize that there are other things in life that I have full control over.

I feel like I lived my life for the past few years focusing on nothing but fertility/infertility issues we have gone through and I was sinking deeper and deeper in to depression and denial. See I always thought I had my life outlined and planned and things were/would workout just the way I had it drawn out... but when something like infertility hits you in the face and you realize one day that you have no control over it, it is very hard to move on and function.  You feel like all your plans and dreams have been ripped away from you. You grow angry towards others, you experience uncontrollable jealousy, things you enjoyed on a daily basis are no longer enough to satisfy you and that is when you find yourself in a deep black hole and feel the life being sucked out of you. That is where I was late last years... I felt like without a child, our lives would never be complete and I found my self isolated from everything and everyone.

Then I woke up one day and realized that I needed to be grateful for the AMAZING life I had/have. I have the most amazing/supportive/funny/loving husband anyone could ever ask for, I have two amazing four legged kids at home, I have a beautiful home to come home to everyday and I am surrounded by people who love me for who I am and nothing else. This is not to say that I have 100% come to terms with the idea that we may never have kids, but for now I am OK with it.  I have learned to be happy for others and move on.

Soooo... to bring it all back together...

I decided to do something for me, something that would make me proud of what I did and appreciate things in life unlike many  others are not able to. And I found the answer in going back to school to be an EMT, to help others at their worst time, to be there as a shoulder to cry on, to offer arms when a hug is needed and to be able to make a difference in someone's life every single day. It may not be the path I always saw my self going down, but it is the path I chose to do going forward and I cannot wait for this part of my journey to begin.

Trigger…

I think I might have found the trigger to my last little anxiety attack. I am not able to make any sense of it or even figure out the whys, but at least I have an idea of what my trigger might be.

The first time I had my attack (or as I like to call it, a visit from the elephant on my chest) was the night after I took my first test. It started in class and by the time I went home I felt like I was shaking, could not catch my breathe (even though my respiration’s were normal) and remember telling Rob that I just felt really weird and kind of freaked out. I went to bed that night and tried to get some sleep and the feelings continued for another week, until I finally made an appointment with my Dr to switch medications. See I had spent an entire week trying to figure out what triggered the feelings I had and could not put my

finger on it, until last night. I was fine while I was taking my test and all the way through, up until the waiting began to receive my test results. I felt a family of elephants make their way on to my chest and started getting the shaky/sweaty feeling all over again. I figured it would all go away as soon as I found that I did well and passed my test, but I was wrong (I did pass and got a pretty decent score), but the feelings never went away. My mind starting going a million miles an hour and all these questions starting popping up – which questions did I miss? Why didn’t I do better? Should I have studied more?…etc

When I got home last night, I googled different ways to deal with triggers that cause anxiety and most, if not all of them suggested thinking about the trigger it self and trying to figure out the underlying cause. So that is what I have been trying to do… trying to dig deep in to what part of a test, or what idea behind a test is inviting this family of elephant’s to come and visit me. I think it is going to be a work in progress, but for now I have managed to not let the feelings escalate in to an attack and I feel like I have some control over them.

I have had anxiety issues for a long time, but they have usually been social issues, so this aspect of anxiety is all knew to me and has been a little scary. I know it is something I can and will overcome, but for now it seems to be a struggle I am going to have to deal with on a daily basis.

If you deal or have dealt with anxiety issues of your own, I would love to hear some things you have done or do to help you get through them.